Know what's intriguing?... and I'm saying intriguing to be "nice" cause there are many other words I could use to describe this... What's intriguing is having your father live under your same roof... Now don't get me wrong, I love the man to death, he's my pop, only one I've got. But seriously I haven't really "lived" with a parental unit in almost 10 years... its a little un-nerving. Know what's also intriguing? Old school Star Trek on mute on the TV, I'm not quite sure what's happening there is something very Shakespearean going on that involves Jean Luc Picard fencing with someone while he wears a floppy hat and fluffy clothes...

On to bigger and better topics... like... er... how about that weather?

Seriously though what happened to Spring? I mean I'm really not complaining, I'm just happy its warm out finally and I could go dig in some dirt and plant things. But I mean common we go from snow two weeks ago to a heat index of 92 today!? for serious... I'm melting... Frank is melting... in fact Frank melted so much I had to take him to be shaved, he's so fracking cute! He's half the dog he used to be...

 BEFORE

AFTER

So... right that's my excitement... I'm melting... Dog is shaved... Cat can't figure out that it's prolly cooler on the floor than 6 feet in the air on her kitty post... I'm tired and sweaty and I'm now going to whine about the weather... UGH!

Act One: Scene...

Act one:
Setting:

• Living room. Daytime. Sun coming in through windows. Small caterpillar snow plow clearing the sidewalks outside. Space heater on. The smell of fresh coffee in the air.

Scene:

• Dog in Poang chair by the window.
  
• Cat on catpost shelf just below the crows nest. Cat sleeping in chicken formation (no legs).
  
• Dog's favorite blue ball, on the shelf below the cat
• Mom sitting on couch with computer watching pets and writing their dialog.
  

    
Dog: *stares at cat*   whine whine whine

Cat: *blink blink* internal monologue "BWHAHAHAHA! I has da bawl!"

Dog: *lays down, pouts and makes sad, sad eyes at the cat*

Cat: *grooms paws, eyes closed, very content looking* internal monologue "HOW DID I GET SO DIRTY!?... or right I HAS THE BAWL! BWHAHAHA!"

Dog: *gets up and moves over to the couch and stares at Mom, stares at the ball, stares at Mom, lays down and pouts and stares at ball*

Cat: *moves up to crows nest and looks out over the living room with crazy eyes* internal monologue "Now that I'm in possession of the bawl I has the leverage to take over the world! First I will keel da dawg, then I will keel the puny human! THEN I will steal all the blue bawls in the world! BWHAHAHAHA!... first I need to kleen my butt though...."

Mom: Sigh *gets up and walks over to cat and pets her*

Cat: internal monologue "SHIT! The puny human is attacking!... Geebus she's not puny anymore, how'd she get so big! AHHHHH! She's attacking, she's attacking RETREAT! ALL UNITS FALL BACK! THE HUMANS ARE ATTACKIN.... ooohhh pettings...." purr purrrr purrrrrrrrr

Mom: "Oh kitty you're so silly"

Dog: Internal monologue "What about the ball? I loves the ball... Mom... I loves the ball I need it... I rea...llly.... nee...d... it..." *eyes close* snore snore

Cat: Internal monologue "Next time puny human... next time I won't let you penetrate my defenses with your pettings... I shall conquer the world... and I still have the ball hostage... BWHAHAHA!" *meticulously grooms tail*

Mom: *Gets ball down and puts it in dog's toy bin*

Dog: blink blink, yaaaawwwwnnnn....  internal monologue "Yay! the Ball is safe!" *goes back to sleep*

Cat: Internal monologue "F*CK! I lost the ball... now I need to start all over... stupid humans... they ruin everything. I'm going to take out this aggression on the the dog... but first there are more important things at hand" *clean butt with a vengeance*

Mom: *walks away*

Dog: *sleeps on couch*

2x(y)=z... what does it even mean!?

First note: Um YAY! I have a new follower :) I'm so popular! The cool kids are gonna love me. 

Second note: had a hilarious topic and totally forgot what it was... pretty sure it was something that my buddy K-slice and I came up with when she had my rolling in tears of laughter on the phone... maybe I'll just pick one of those topics and go with it. 

FYI the topic I'm going to go with might get a little scandalous at times so be forewarned and don't gripe that I didn't warn you...

Third Note: I'm not going to tell you how this topic came up cause its too scandalous even for here ;) 

Let the story begin:

So, my BFF K-doggie calls me up and we chat, as per usual things get out of hand... I mean honestly if there is one person out there who's mind is as tangential, gutter-tastic, and bizarre as my own, its my T-rex (aka: K-slice, K-doggie, & Pita). 

We get to talking and we've decided that we need to open up our own line of products for women that are geared towards their men... cause lord knows that perfume scents like "lillac in the dew of springtime morning mist" and undies like "cotton white granny panties" aren't enough. Here's our thought... and I really think there is a market for this... we want to make a perfume that's scented like bacon and edible undies that are fried chicken flavored... ok maybe this was funnier in our conversation... maybe I should try another topic... 

NEXT!

Seriously I had this fantastic idea... and its forever lost to me... 

GASP!

I REMEMBER!

oh man this one really makes me laugh... you need a bit of background for this one... 

So, this last weekend my dad moved in with my husband and I (yeah shudder now, its freaking fan-fucking-tastic). Now, I love my dad, and I think its not a stretch to say that he's a bit of a drama queen... I call our latest escapades "Guiding Terry". Anyway... because of this scenario this is how my latest and greatest theory has come about: 

Fact: There is a genetic link for alcoholism to run in families.

Hypothesis: There is not a genetic link to alcoholism in families. No, there is a genetic link to the people in your family that drive you bat shit crazy enough to make you want to drink yourself into a stupor. Therefore, alcoholism is not genetic, no... being related to people is genetic... 

Is that testable? I mean when we look at the scietific method is this a testable hypothesis?

I think it is... but I think we need more wine to test it... also, it would require me to contact even more of my family that drives me nuts... and then to collect a sample size and who knows if I'm going to be drinking to cope I may not be able to figure it out and then we have calculations where x = bottles of wine; y = number of family members; and z = umm... well I'd need to be sober to figure out z... 

2x(y) = z

I mean that's a lot of wine... Oh and who would observe this and take notes? and how do we modify? do we then include hard alcohol? 

Man I need a drink. 

Chicken Master

If you give a Moose a Muffin... How about if I Give a Kid the Finger?

Whoa so blogging... yikes... been awhile sorry about that... life happens, and occasionally it happens to me and then I'm waylaid for sometime because I don't know how to handle that. Then things like "Christmas" happen and yes its "Christmas" in "quotes" because it is "Christmas" for me because people like to just assume I'm Christian but guess what, watch out this is going to blow your f'ing mind, I'm not! Whoa... you don't quite know what to do with that bit of info do you? I know... its absolutely freaking mind blowing! Someone who lives in the Midwest, grew up in a small town, and has two parents that were both raised Catholic who isn't a Christian, WHOA! Actually I'm not quite sure what I am. These days I'm leaning towards somewhere between Buddhist and Atheist... we'll see where that road leads, could be fascinating. So next year I think we're celebrating "Yuletide" but I'm not sure how I feel about that cause according to Wikipedia... it also has religious connotations, and I'm kind of trying to avoid those; I hear they are contagious.

Oh right... you might be wondering about my title, I should maybe segway into that. I'm not sure how to segway from "Christmas", "Buddtheist", and "Yuletide" to "Give a Kid the Finger"? I mean they seem like kind of contrary ideologies... Peace and celebration Vs. flicking off a child... I mean where do I go from there... how about here:

So, there is this kid in my neighborhood and I'm going to tell you a bit about him. Once upon a ti.... no... It was a Dark and Stormy Nigh.... that's not it either... There's this fat kid in my neighborhood (ahh that's right), and he's a pill. I have no clue what his name is, we'll call him child F. He is probably somewhere about 8-13 years old, he's shortish, and rolly polly, think Augustus Goop from Willy Wonka... and I have a feeling its hereditary, cause I've seen this kids parents outside before and its like they have a genetic predisposition to eat Twinkies and Pizza for every meal (I shouldn't mock over weight people cause I'm in that boat... but I don't like these people, therefore they are subject to my ridicule). So, child F, is outside a lot, and I'm not sure what he does outside, cause its obvious from his stature that it certainly does not involve play. Child F's front yard has a hill on it  child F likes to stand on said hill when cars drive by... this is the problem... this is where child F deserves nothing more than a fat, beefy, f*ck you middle finger...

Child F stands on this hill and no he doesn't wave at cars, he doesn't give a thumbs up, he doesn't do the "honk honk" signal, he doesn't stare blankly, and he doesn't even stand there like a creepy little children of the corn kid... no... child F stands there and yells obscenities at cars and flicks them off... I mean for real... he does it to people who have never driven down our street before and I wouldn't be surprised if he does it to mommy and daddy Augustus Goop too... I mean for crying out loud... are the cars offensive? Maybe he got hit by a car once and he's wreaking his revenge on all cars, I honestly don't know. 

I've lived in this neighborhood and visited this neighborhood for at least 5 years and in all that time... throughout the year I get the finger from this kid, and he yells swear words and I'm just like "WTF?"... now for the first few years I thought it was kinda funny like "OMG, that kid is so broken"... but now, 5 years later, child FAIL deserves the biggest, showiest bird I can fly... however, since I decided I was gonna give him the finger next time I see him... he hasn't been outside... I think he knows... I think he knows I'm going to wreak my birdie vengeance on him... little bastard... 

Next you hear from me... hopefully my quest for vengeance will be fulfilled. Wish me luck!

Deer + Karate + Russel Brand + Cake = ???

Funny story... my husband has a co-worker who has a cute little toddler with curly red hair. She says to her dad the other day that she wants to go deer hunting but she doesn't want to kill deer with guns, she wants to kill them with karate. Gotta love kids. <\moving on>

So... honestly... what's the point of a "reply all" button? I kind of feel like they should be outlawed. I mean how often do I really want to hear the response you have to say to everyone, more often than not you think you're being witty, but only one person in the entirety of the "reply all" thinks you're the least bit bemusing. Ok, so maybe there are rare instances in the work place when there is an actual decision to be made that needs to incorporate everyone... but then not everyone clicks the "reply all" and so they only reply back to the originator of the message and then that person has to resend the message  back out to everyone with a disclaimer "blah-blah said wonk-wonk what do you think?" <\end tangent...NEXT!>

You know what's a problem is when you start a blog topic one day and come back to it a week later I have no idea what that (see above tangent) was all about...  and right now I'm watching Russel Brand live in New York... I heart Russel Brand he cracks my shit up... hmm maybe I can internet stalk him and send him an invite to my blog </amused>

So I have this cake idea that I'm struggling with and all websites I've found so far have been worthless. Ok, so what I want to do is make a (Kristin if you're reading this stop here so you can be surprised later this week, I'll put a few spaces here so you don't have a spoiler Kristin...)




OK... wanna make a S'more Cake... here's my thought: White Cake, 3 layers, each layer brush with amaretto, to get a kind of nutty toasty taste, top with milk chocolate, some warm melty marshmallows, next cake layer, rpt. Top with a marshmallow fluff icing, smoosh crushed graham crackers around the outside and then toast the top of the cake with a blow torch... If this fails Dark Chocolate PB cake...

Thoughts?

Ok, sorry random entry, this time around... very distracted by Russel Brand, he's so funny in his skinny jeans and schizophrenic hair...

See you next post!
Le Maître de Poulet

Road Ball starring Rodger

Whoa, crazy... I know this is kind of soon for me to blog again but good stories deserve knowing. 

So, first thought, PS (whoa did that just confuse you cause it should, in yo' face!), go see Red it was a pretty kickass movie, something about Helen Mirren with machine guns is hilarious.

OK, so we go see the movie and we're driving out of the theater parking lot and I see something in the other lane of the road and I'm like "oh its a hat" and we get closer and no its not a hat... ok so Dan's like "maybe its a goose", we have this raging goose problems in Roch, no joke. But, alas, its no goose. Guess what it was, just guess, you're never gonna guess... 

It was a football, a freaking football that had been smoked by a vehicle a few times. Right, so you can probably guess what happened... yeah... we made a u-turn and we are now the proud owners of ROAD BALL! Sounds like a bad 80's movie doesn't it? ROAD BALL, from the creators of Mad Max and Tron comes the story of vicious gang of Road Ballers... 

We drive home and Dan's still cracking up about Road Ball; I feel like we should name the ball... maybe Rodger... and we pull up to a stop light and there's this person parked with the back tires on the stop line... I mean for real, THE STOP LINE IS FOR YOUR FRONT TIRES TO STOP ON... do we need to spell this out for people. So, Dan-o of course is laughing about my freaking out cause people can't stop AT THE STOP LINE, and tells me I should threaten them with the Road Ball... thus ensued my yelling like an amazon and telling Dan I was going to throw the Road Ball (from here known as Rodger) at this random car... now anyone who knows me can imagine what that would look like... Tif sitting in the driver's seat screaming like Xena and whipping a deflated football (Rodger) at a random car... ahh I amuse myself. 

Also, Frank thinks Rodger is his new toy and tried to fetch it... funny, as Frank's mouth is barely big enough for a tennis ball... no worries I have pictures. 

and now...

BY THE POWER OF ROAD BALL (Rodger), GOOD NIGHT! 

C-to-the-M

Tangential Evenings

It was my brother's 30th birthday this weekend, a good time was had by all... <end of thought>

So, anyway... I have this corgi, a really cute one, his name is Franklin Benedict Houdini Vedamuthu (aka: Frankie, Sir Shitsalot, Mr. Poopy Pants, Frank, and Wubba). Seriously he's the coolest dog EVAR. Let me tell you a bit about him. His birthday is August 28, 2008. He's a fawn and white fluffy Pembroke Welsh Corgi, yes I said "Fluffy Corgi" if you don't know what that is then google one, because for real its something useful worth knowing. His favorite pastimes include: chewing on the cat's head (the cat is named "Bean" by the way... put it together I know you can do it), chewing on toys, eating food, getting attention and RUNNING! Man does this dog like to run he cracks my shit up. 

Let me give you an example of his awesomeness... we took him for a nice long hike at Whitewater State Park the other weekend. I mean it was a pretty long hike,  we went up into the hills and were like climbing rocks, I think Frank is part mountain goat. On the way home the dog is passed out in the backseat of the car... I mean he was a tired dog. So, we get home bring him inside take off his collar and what not and then the running begins. Now, first off, how does this dog have any energy, and secondly what is the point behind this running because it seems to bring him some absolute joy its quite humorous... So, yeah, for like 10 minutes solid the dog is running through our little house. Tearing through the living room, up the stairs, down the hall, round about in the office, back downstairs, through the living room, peels across the linoleum, drifting around the corners and back through the living room... and so it continues and all the while his tongue is flapping out his mouth and he looks just over joys with himself... truly this dog is pretty awesome and quite frankly, Frank has more energy than he seems to know what to do with.

Other awesome thing about my dog... his tricks. Not only does he heel without a leash, but he rolls over, spins, dances (only with me for some reason), high fives, shakes, backs up, etc. and he learns new things all the time... Einstein dog. 

Ok, not to get too tangential about my dog (I did promise Niki an update though and this is what I've got with low brain power tonight and Frank currently sitting on my feet)... but one last hilarious thing, maybe its just corgis but I think my dog likes to make me laugh. His latest and greatest feet is that he seems to think pants are exciting... and not just any pants, but MY pants. I get home from work and the dog hops, yes hops, across the house to greet me and is on me for the rest of the evening following me everywhere, even when I go upstairs to change. He's so gentlemanly though he leaves the room when I change, either that or he's bored with me or its part of the game. Suddenly, he seems to know when the pants come out... he will peek his little nose around the corner and watch me fold up my work pants and get out either sweat pants or jeans, and I can just barely see that his butt wiggles... then when I get one pant leg on BAM! there's Frank and he tries to grab the limp pant leg, but never quite grabs it and he hops and runs away, and occasionally yips, and will bounce and hop until I get the pants on and come downstairs... I interpret this is "YAY! PANTS!"... I mean really... pants... its like my favorite thing evar. 

and on that note I wish you a good night, a yay pants! and a swot perderder!

CM