2x(y)=z... what does it even mean!?

First note: Um YAY! I have a new follower :) I'm so popular! The cool kids are gonna love me. 

Second note: had a hilarious topic and totally forgot what it was... pretty sure it was something that my buddy K-slice and I came up with when she had my rolling in tears of laughter on the phone... maybe I'll just pick one of those topics and go with it. 

FYI the topic I'm going to go with might get a little scandalous at times so be forewarned and don't gripe that I didn't warn you...

Third Note: I'm not going to tell you how this topic came up cause its too scandalous even for here ;) 

Let the story begin:

So, my BFF K-doggie calls me up and we chat, as per usual things get out of hand... I mean honestly if there is one person out there who's mind is as tangential, gutter-tastic, and bizarre as my own, its my T-rex (aka: K-slice, K-doggie, & Pita). 

We get to talking and we've decided that we need to open up our own line of products for women that are geared towards their men... cause lord knows that perfume scents like "lillac in the dew of springtime morning mist" and undies like "cotton white granny panties" aren't enough. Here's our thought... and I really think there is a market for this... we want to make a perfume that's scented like bacon and edible undies that are fried chicken flavored... ok maybe this was funnier in our conversation... maybe I should try another topic... 

NEXT!

Seriously I had this fantastic idea... and its forever lost to me... 

GASP!

I REMEMBER!

oh man this one really makes me laugh... you need a bit of background for this one... 

So, this last weekend my dad moved in with my husband and I (yeah shudder now, its freaking fan-fucking-tastic). Now, I love my dad, and I think its not a stretch to say that he's a bit of a drama queen... I call our latest escapades "Guiding Terry". Anyway... because of this scenario this is how my latest and greatest theory has come about: 

Fact: There is a genetic link for alcoholism to run in families.

Hypothesis: There is not a genetic link to alcoholism in families. No, there is a genetic link to the people in your family that drive you bat shit crazy enough to make you want to drink yourself into a stupor. Therefore, alcoholism is not genetic, no... being related to people is genetic... 

Is that testable? I mean when we look at the scietific method is this a testable hypothesis?

I think it is... but I think we need more wine to test it... also, it would require me to contact even more of my family that drives me nuts... and then to collect a sample size and who knows if I'm going to be drinking to cope I may not be able to figure it out and then we have calculations where x = bottles of wine; y = number of family members; and z = umm... well I'd need to be sober to figure out z... 

2x(y) = z

I mean that's a lot of wine... Oh and who would observe this and take notes? and how do we modify? do we then include hard alcohol? 

Man I need a drink. 

Chicken Master

If you give a Moose a Muffin... How about if I Give a Kid the Finger?

Whoa so blogging... yikes... been awhile sorry about that... life happens, and occasionally it happens to me and then I'm waylaid for sometime because I don't know how to handle that. Then things like "Christmas" happen and yes its "Christmas" in "quotes" because it is "Christmas" for me because people like to just assume I'm Christian but guess what, watch out this is going to blow your f'ing mind, I'm not! Whoa... you don't quite know what to do with that bit of info do you? I know... its absolutely freaking mind blowing! Someone who lives in the Midwest, grew up in a small town, and has two parents that were both raised Catholic who isn't a Christian, WHOA! Actually I'm not quite sure what I am. These days I'm leaning towards somewhere between Buddhist and Atheist... we'll see where that road leads, could be fascinating. So next year I think we're celebrating "Yuletide" but I'm not sure how I feel about that cause according to Wikipedia... it also has religious connotations, and I'm kind of trying to avoid those; I hear they are contagious.

Oh right... you might be wondering about my title, I should maybe segway into that. I'm not sure how to segway from "Christmas", "Buddtheist", and "Yuletide" to "Give a Kid the Finger"? I mean they seem like kind of contrary ideologies... Peace and celebration Vs. flicking off a child... I mean where do I go from there... how about here:

So, there is this kid in my neighborhood and I'm going to tell you a bit about him. Once upon a ti.... no... It was a Dark and Stormy Nigh.... that's not it either... There's this fat kid in my neighborhood (ahh that's right), and he's a pill. I have no clue what his name is, we'll call him child F. He is probably somewhere about 8-13 years old, he's shortish, and rolly polly, think Augustus Goop from Willy Wonka... and I have a feeling its hereditary, cause I've seen this kids parents outside before and its like they have a genetic predisposition to eat Twinkies and Pizza for every meal (I shouldn't mock over weight people cause I'm in that boat... but I don't like these people, therefore they are subject to my ridicule). So, child F, is outside a lot, and I'm not sure what he does outside, cause its obvious from his stature that it certainly does not involve play. Child F's front yard has a hill on it  child F likes to stand on said hill when cars drive by... this is the problem... this is where child F deserves nothing more than a fat, beefy, f*ck you middle finger...

Child F stands on this hill and no he doesn't wave at cars, he doesn't give a thumbs up, he doesn't do the "honk honk" signal, he doesn't stare blankly, and he doesn't even stand there like a creepy little children of the corn kid... no... child F stands there and yells obscenities at cars and flicks them off... I mean for real... he does it to people who have never driven down our street before and I wouldn't be surprised if he does it to mommy and daddy Augustus Goop too... I mean for crying out loud... are the cars offensive? Maybe he got hit by a car once and he's wreaking his revenge on all cars, I honestly don't know. 

I've lived in this neighborhood and visited this neighborhood for at least 5 years and in all that time... throughout the year I get the finger from this kid, and he yells swear words and I'm just like "WTF?"... now for the first few years I thought it was kinda funny like "OMG, that kid is so broken"... but now, 5 years later, child FAIL deserves the biggest, showiest bird I can fly... however, since I decided I was gonna give him the finger next time I see him... he hasn't been outside... I think he knows... I think he knows I'm going to wreak my birdie vengeance on him... little bastard... 

Next you hear from me... hopefully my quest for vengeance will be fulfilled. Wish me luck!