Know what's intriguing?... and I'm saying intriguing to be "nice" cause there are many other words I could use to describe this... What's intriguing is having your father live under your same roof... Now don't get me wrong, I love the man to death, he's my pop, only one I've got. But seriously I haven't really "lived" with a parental unit in almost 10 years... its a little un-nerving. Know what's also intriguing? Old school Star Trek on mute on the TV, I'm not quite sure what's happening there is something very Shakespearean going on that involves Jean Luc Picard fencing with someone while he wears a floppy hat and fluffy clothes...

On to bigger and better topics... like... er... how about that weather?

Seriously though what happened to Spring? I mean I'm really not complaining, I'm just happy its warm out finally and I could go dig in some dirt and plant things. But I mean common we go from snow two weeks ago to a heat index of 92 today!? for serious... I'm melting... Frank is melting... in fact Frank melted so much I had to take him to be shaved, he's so fracking cute! He's half the dog he used to be...

 BEFORE

AFTER

So... right that's my excitement... I'm melting... Dog is shaved... Cat can't figure out that it's prolly cooler on the floor than 6 feet in the air on her kitty post... I'm tired and sweaty and I'm now going to whine about the weather... UGH!

Act One: Scene...

Act one:
Setting:

• Living room. Daytime. Sun coming in through windows. Small caterpillar snow plow clearing the sidewalks outside. Space heater on. The smell of fresh coffee in the air.

Scene:

• Dog in Poang chair by the window.
  
• Cat on catpost shelf just below the crows nest. Cat sleeping in chicken formation (no legs).
  
• Dog's favorite blue ball, on the shelf below the cat
• Mom sitting on couch with computer watching pets and writing their dialog.
  

    
Dog: *stares at cat*   whine whine whine

Cat: *blink blink* internal monologue "BWHAHAHAHA! I has da bawl!"

Dog: *lays down, pouts and makes sad, sad eyes at the cat*

Cat: *grooms paws, eyes closed, very content looking* internal monologue "HOW DID I GET SO DIRTY!?... or right I HAS THE BAWL! BWHAHAHA!"

Dog: *gets up and moves over to the couch and stares at Mom, stares at the ball, stares at Mom, lays down and pouts and stares at ball*

Cat: *moves up to crows nest and looks out over the living room with crazy eyes* internal monologue "Now that I'm in possession of the bawl I has the leverage to take over the world! First I will keel da dawg, then I will keel the puny human! THEN I will steal all the blue bawls in the world! BWHAHAHAHA!... first I need to kleen my butt though...."

Mom: Sigh *gets up and walks over to cat and pets her*

Cat: internal monologue "SHIT! The puny human is attacking!... Geebus she's not puny anymore, how'd she get so big! AHHHHH! She's attacking, she's attacking RETREAT! ALL UNITS FALL BACK! THE HUMANS ARE ATTACKIN.... ooohhh pettings...." purr purrrr purrrrrrrrr

Mom: "Oh kitty you're so silly"

Dog: Internal monologue "What about the ball? I loves the ball... Mom... I loves the ball I need it... I rea...llly.... nee...d... it..." *eyes close* snore snore

Cat: Internal monologue "Next time puny human... next time I won't let you penetrate my defenses with your pettings... I shall conquer the world... and I still have the ball hostage... BWHAHAHA!" *meticulously grooms tail*

Mom: *Gets ball down and puts it in dog's toy bin*

Dog: blink blink, yaaaawwwwnnnn....  internal monologue "Yay! the Ball is safe!" *goes back to sleep*

Cat: Internal monologue "F*CK! I lost the ball... now I need to start all over... stupid humans... they ruin everything. I'm going to take out this aggression on the the dog... but first there are more important things at hand" *clean butt with a vengeance*

Mom: *walks away*

Dog: *sleeps on couch*

2x(y)=z... what does it even mean!?

First note: Um YAY! I have a new follower :) I'm so popular! The cool kids are gonna love me. 

Second note: had a hilarious topic and totally forgot what it was... pretty sure it was something that my buddy K-slice and I came up with when she had my rolling in tears of laughter on the phone... maybe I'll just pick one of those topics and go with it. 

FYI the topic I'm going to go with might get a little scandalous at times so be forewarned and don't gripe that I didn't warn you...

Third Note: I'm not going to tell you how this topic came up cause its too scandalous even for here ;) 

Let the story begin:

So, my BFF K-doggie calls me up and we chat, as per usual things get out of hand... I mean honestly if there is one person out there who's mind is as tangential, gutter-tastic, and bizarre as my own, its my T-rex (aka: K-slice, K-doggie, & Pita). 

We get to talking and we've decided that we need to open up our own line of products for women that are geared towards their men... cause lord knows that perfume scents like "lillac in the dew of springtime morning mist" and undies like "cotton white granny panties" aren't enough. Here's our thought... and I really think there is a market for this... we want to make a perfume that's scented like bacon and edible undies that are fried chicken flavored... ok maybe this was funnier in our conversation... maybe I should try another topic... 

NEXT!

Seriously I had this fantastic idea... and its forever lost to me... 

GASP!

I REMEMBER!

oh man this one really makes me laugh... you need a bit of background for this one... 

So, this last weekend my dad moved in with my husband and I (yeah shudder now, its freaking fan-fucking-tastic). Now, I love my dad, and I think its not a stretch to say that he's a bit of a drama queen... I call our latest escapades "Guiding Terry". Anyway... because of this scenario this is how my latest and greatest theory has come about: 

Fact: There is a genetic link for alcoholism to run in families.

Hypothesis: There is not a genetic link to alcoholism in families. No, there is a genetic link to the people in your family that drive you bat shit crazy enough to make you want to drink yourself into a stupor. Therefore, alcoholism is not genetic, no... being related to people is genetic... 

Is that testable? I mean when we look at the scietific method is this a testable hypothesis?

I think it is... but I think we need more wine to test it... also, it would require me to contact even more of my family that drives me nuts... and then to collect a sample size and who knows if I'm going to be drinking to cope I may not be able to figure it out and then we have calculations where x = bottles of wine; y = number of family members; and z = umm... well I'd need to be sober to figure out z... 

2x(y) = z

I mean that's a lot of wine... Oh and who would observe this and take notes? and how do we modify? do we then include hard alcohol? 

Man I need a drink. 

Chicken Master

If you give a Moose a Muffin... How about if I Give a Kid the Finger?

Whoa so blogging... yikes... been awhile sorry about that... life happens, and occasionally it happens to me and then I'm waylaid for sometime because I don't know how to handle that. Then things like "Christmas" happen and yes its "Christmas" in "quotes" because it is "Christmas" for me because people like to just assume I'm Christian but guess what, watch out this is going to blow your f'ing mind, I'm not! Whoa... you don't quite know what to do with that bit of info do you? I know... its absolutely freaking mind blowing! Someone who lives in the Midwest, grew up in a small town, and has two parents that were both raised Catholic who isn't a Christian, WHOA! Actually I'm not quite sure what I am. These days I'm leaning towards somewhere between Buddhist and Atheist... we'll see where that road leads, could be fascinating. So next year I think we're celebrating "Yuletide" but I'm not sure how I feel about that cause according to Wikipedia... it also has religious connotations, and I'm kind of trying to avoid those; I hear they are contagious.

Oh right... you might be wondering about my title, I should maybe segway into that. I'm not sure how to segway from "Christmas", "Buddtheist", and "Yuletide" to "Give a Kid the Finger"? I mean they seem like kind of contrary ideologies... Peace and celebration Vs. flicking off a child... I mean where do I go from there... how about here:

So, there is this kid in my neighborhood and I'm going to tell you a bit about him. Once upon a ti.... no... It was a Dark and Stormy Nigh.... that's not it either... There's this fat kid in my neighborhood (ahh that's right), and he's a pill. I have no clue what his name is, we'll call him child F. He is probably somewhere about 8-13 years old, he's shortish, and rolly polly, think Augustus Goop from Willy Wonka... and I have a feeling its hereditary, cause I've seen this kids parents outside before and its like they have a genetic predisposition to eat Twinkies and Pizza for every meal (I shouldn't mock over weight people cause I'm in that boat... but I don't like these people, therefore they are subject to my ridicule). So, child F, is outside a lot, and I'm not sure what he does outside, cause its obvious from his stature that it certainly does not involve play. Child F's front yard has a hill on it  child F likes to stand on said hill when cars drive by... this is the problem... this is where child F deserves nothing more than a fat, beefy, f*ck you middle finger...

Child F stands on this hill and no he doesn't wave at cars, he doesn't give a thumbs up, he doesn't do the "honk honk" signal, he doesn't stare blankly, and he doesn't even stand there like a creepy little children of the corn kid... no... child F stands there and yells obscenities at cars and flicks them off... I mean for real... he does it to people who have never driven down our street before and I wouldn't be surprised if he does it to mommy and daddy Augustus Goop too... I mean for crying out loud... are the cars offensive? Maybe he got hit by a car once and he's wreaking his revenge on all cars, I honestly don't know. 

I've lived in this neighborhood and visited this neighborhood for at least 5 years and in all that time... throughout the year I get the finger from this kid, and he yells swear words and I'm just like "WTF?"... now for the first few years I thought it was kinda funny like "OMG, that kid is so broken"... but now, 5 years later, child FAIL deserves the biggest, showiest bird I can fly... however, since I decided I was gonna give him the finger next time I see him... he hasn't been outside... I think he knows... I think he knows I'm going to wreak my birdie vengeance on him... little bastard... 

Next you hear from me... hopefully my quest for vengeance will be fulfilled. Wish me luck!